I’m combining these posts for Carter & Clare because I don’t have as many pictures from that long ago! I’m sure I have some that are printed but they are in storage in New York still so I’m going to just include what I have for now and hopefully swing back with an update at some point later.
One thing I love so much about pregnancy is getting to know our little one’s personality. They are all so different and I swear you can tell so much about them before they are even born!
That was for sure the case with Baby Clare. About a year after we had Carter, I felt like there was another baby who was super ready to come to our family. Like she was not patient at all!! I could feel her persistent energy before we even started trying and I knew that she was going to have a strong personality.
Of course, she totally does!! She is so tenacious and spunky, I love that so much about her! All throughout my pregnancy, I could tell that she was going to make her mark on the world in a big way.
I actually remember thinking that this was going to be a boy- I always knew there was another little guy waiting to come to our family! So I was completely shocked and surprised when our friends made us a gender reveal cake that was pink inside!!
Because I had complications with Carter’s birth, I had a lot of trauma to work through when I had Clare. But instead of healing some of those patterns, I just had a lot of fear going into another delivery. Back then, I didn’t recognize how to work through those limiting beliefs and subconscious patterns so I just did the best I could. I made a lot of decisions based on fear instead of trusting myself when it came to making a birth plan, choosing a doctor, etc. I don’t regret it but I’m glad I know better now!
We bounced around a bit during my pregnancy because Matt was finishing law school, so we planned on having her in Atlanta. There was literally one weekend that Matt was so busy because had to take the MPRE exam to be a lawyer- and he said I could have the baby anytime but not that weekend! Haha!
It actually also happened to be Easter weekend and our entire family had been sick the week before. I was so nauseous and cleaning up after the kids and I know that must have started my labor! It was 3 weeks before my due date, but I knew that it was time to go to the hospital
We got in the car and I remember being in so much pain during contractions! But Matt refused to go over the speed limit to get to the hospital faster because he would have to go through a long process to report any speeding ticket to the bar exam application he had already submitted. Haha! So I actually called the highway patrol to ask if we could speed and the officer laughed and said that if we did get pulled over, they would just escort us to the hospital. (But even then Matt only went 5mph over the speed limit while I was dying in pain! Haha!) it’s funny now but I didn’t think it was funny then!
When we got to the hospital, I got checked in quickly and was dilating so fast! I wasn’t sure if I wanted an epidural or not but I was so worried about hemorrhaging like I did with Carter. So when my doctor came in to check on me, she said I was at a 10 and could push, but I told her no! I was so afraid for something bad to happen so I asked for an epidural. They actually let me have one and I was able to relax and not be so worried. I felt really present when it was time to push and actually laughed while I was pushing! It was so calm and peaceful.
The moment she came out, the doctor said there was meconium so they had to take her straight over to the nicu cart. Luckily she was fine and recovered so quickly! She has always been so resilient and I’m so glad that she has a fighting spirit.
When I was finally able to hold her, I immediately fell in love. I knew how much we needed each other and I’m so glad she chose to come to our family.
We spent the next few days in the hospital. We were supposed to go home on Easter Sunday but Matt had his test to take so he was back and forth from our house to the hospital all weekend. While he was gone, a nurse noticed that Clare’s breathing was irregular and had her sent to the nicu.
I called Matt and he came back so quickly but still had to take his test! So while I was in the nicu with Clare, he was in my hospital room trying to finish. It was such a crazy time for us!
Instead of going home with our new baby, I had to leave without her and it completely broke my heart. What made it even harder was the fact that I was still grieving and processing from the parental abduction of my oldest daughter. I was suffering from severe PTSD and was uncontrollably worried about having my other children taken from me.
So having to leave her at the hospital was insanely hard. I drove back and forth multiple times a day and when I was at home without her I was extremely worried and paranoid that something was going to happen while I was gone. Knowing that she was there all alone without me was crushing. The reality of the situation and how it paralleled what happened with my oldest was so traumatic.
Luckily Clare has always been so independent. I know she was prepared for this when she came here and her strong personality was exactly what she needed to be able to get through her time in the nicu. When we were finally able to bring her home, she was absolutely perfect and so ready for how busy our life would be over the next few years.